


A Nick Name Called Moody

by Strawberry_Times



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: #therecipeforloveamirite, Connor is sassy and depressed, First Kiss, First Time, High School AU, Kevin is boring and also depressed, M/M, Unrequited Love, arnold/kevin(but like... not really), sad boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 07:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13875849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberry_Times/pseuds/Strawberry_Times
Summary: Connor McKinley is the most annoying kid in the world and Kevin kind of gets off on that.





	A Nick Name Called Moody

The sun shone through the curtains and his hit eye and woke him up. He blinked, and groaned and covered his face with his blanket hoping to block out the promise of another day creeping in through the curtains. 

Another day seemed /useless/. 

What’s the point of waking up and going to school and turning in the homework that you probably shouldn’t have spent four hours doing last night. There really is no point if you think about it. But as his alarm goes off for the second time, Kevin thinks if he doesn’t get up to use the bathroom he might just piss himself, and now that he’s up, he’s up and he can’t go back to sleep because he’s already awake as he washes his hands and his bed seems promising but he knows that if he lays down he’s just going to stress that he’s going to be late for school and he can’t be because traffic is bad in the morning and he has an essay to write in first period. So Kevin brushes his teeth and combs his hair and puts on a jacket and pretends that he is going to have a good day today.

“Are you ready yet?” His sister asks, banging on the bathroom door. “You don’t even wear makeup and you take longer to get ready than I do!” Kevin rolls his eyes.

“Oh my god your voice makes me want to kill myself.” He says just loud enough for her to hear. 

“Then can you do it at school, I have to meet up with my friends in the morning because I’m giving them costume pieces for the show!” She says. Kevin groans loudly and opens the bathroom door. His sister smiles bright and fake and they walk to the car.

School is boring and Kevin can’t wait to go home. Home is fun and quiet, and home is where Kevin can lay in his bed and read a book or scroll through Instagram and watch shitty movies with Arnold. Home isn’t fun however, when his sister has twelve different people over from her theatre class and they are all screaming. 

Kevin wouldn’t describe himself as disengaged, but he is quiet and keeps to himself. He doesn’t like parties or loud noises or when people push themselves on him. He likes to be left alone and he likes familiar surroundings. So when he walks into his house after a late-running study session and finds a bunch of weird theatre kids being very loud and touchy on his couch, he isn’t thrilled. 

He tries to make a b-line for his room but his sister shouts at him. 

“Hey, Kev! These are my friends from drama.” She says. They all smile and wave and shout his name and he gives a nod. He wants so bad to go to his room but she starts introducing all of them and his backpack weighs twenty pounds. She goes through the line of Abby’s and Sarah’s until she stops at a redhead who is staring at Kevin. “and this is Connor.” She finishes. Connor was lean and tall and sat like he owned Kevin’s chair. He looked at Kevin like he knew something about him that even Kevin didn’t know. A dirty little secret that he was about to spill and loved the prospect of doing so. Kevin didn’t like him. He was so obviously gay that Kevin almost rolled his eyes when he looked at him. Connor smirked at him. 

Pretentious.

Kevin went to his room. He blocked out all the noise and tried to focus on his homework. It’s Friday and he doesn’t have to be anywhere tomorrow. He smiled a little bit. 

A little while later Kevin was making a sandwich in his kitchen and Connor found himself wandering in. Kevin tried to ignore him but it was hard when he brushed up against him on purpose, knocking the mayo out of his hand.

“Oh man I’m sorry.” He said. Kevin tried not to roll his eyes as he went to pick it up. Apparently Connor had the same idea and reached down as well, touching his hand. Connor laughed and Kevin quietly scoffed and picked up the mayo. This is incredibly annoying. “So.. your sister tells me you’ve never seen one of our shows?” He says, leaning against the counter. Kevin can feel his eyes tracing his body and he started getting self conscious, but ignored him.

“Yep.” He said. Connor laughed loudly. 

“Well you should totally come to the one we’re working on right now! I play this guy who’s wife is caught cheating on him and he has to deal with that and his mom comes to move in with him and his life is basically falling apart and it’s super good, you should come.” Connor tilts his head in a flirtatious way and smiles at Kevin. Kevin takes a bite of his sandwich, and walks out of the kitchen. 

A few minutes later he hears a knock on his door. 

“Come in.” Kevin says, pulling out his laptop to get some online school done, because it’s Friday night, and Friday night Kevin does his online school. His sister walks in the room. Tailing her is one of her friends and that kid Connor from the kitchen earlier. He is smirking at him and Kevin just wants him to leave. 

“Cute room.” He says. The girls giggle loudly and Kevin gets hot. 

“Did you come in here for a reason?” He asks. 

“Well gee, that was super rude.” His sister says, leaning on the door. 

“Well your friends screaming out in the living room is pretty rude too, don’t you think?” She rolls her eyes, and even though Kevin doesn’t like conflict, he makes eye contact Connor, who chuckles a bit at him. Kevin is done. “What do you want.” He asks.

“We just wanted to know if we could borrow your laptop?” She says with that stupid smile she gets when she’s messing with him. 

“Kayla, really, I’m not in the mood.” Kevin says. Connor seems to think this was a very funny thing to have come from Kevin’s mouth. He leans on Kayla. 

“C’mon Kay, he really doesn’t seem to be in the mood. Let’s let him be.” He says with a smile and a laugh as he and his friends break out in giggles and run back to the living room. Kevin wanted to slam his laptop against the wall. That kid is so infuriating. He lays on his bed and closes his eyes for a second. It’s ok, he thinks, you’re ok. 

Kevin went to sleep.

~

The next few days at school Kevin noticed that Connor appeared more and more. He would pass him by in the hallway, or bump into him in the cafeteria, or ‘accidentally’ brush his hand against Kevin’s when he would be at his house and wind up in his kitchen. Kevin couldn’t stand it. Everything about Connor McKinley made him so uncomfortable. His hair and his face and his voice, and that horrible scarf he would wear sometimes. It was big and blue and... stripey. 

And though Kevin debatably hated him, what he hated the most was how persistent he was. All of their conversations usually went along the lines of, “oh hey Kev!” Connor would cheer.

“Don’t call me Kev.” Kevin would say as he tried his best to keep a blank face.

“Ok Mr. Pouty!” Connor would tease and then, always, would put his hands on his hips like a house-wife.

“Ya, ok.” Kevin says as he walks away.

And that was it. And somehow, Connor just didn’t understand that Kevin didn’t like him. It was Friday. Kevin has been avoiding Connor like the plague all week and he’s been doing a pretty good job of it. Kevin is walking to his car when he sees a familiar red head leaned up against it in the most flamboyant way possible, talking with his sister.

“Oh my god...” Kevin sighs under his breath. As he walks to his car, he unlocks it and gets in, ignoring the strings of hello’s he’s getting from Connor. His sister gets in the passenger side, and just as Kevin is about to start the car and back out, the door to the back seat opens and Connor sits inside his car. “No.” Kevin says, eyeing Connor from the rear view mirror. 

“What?” Kayla says, looking at Kevin with a face of mistrust. 

“What is he doing in my car?” Kevin says to her. 

“Uh, ok dramatic, ‘he’ has a name, it’s Connor, and mom said he could come over for dinner so stop freaking out, geez.” She said. Kevin made eye contact with Connor from the rear view mirror. He looked so cocky sitting there. Kevin stayed silent in protest and then started his car. The sooner he drives the sooner he doesn’t have to be in this car with him any longer. 

Once they pull up to the house, Kevin gets out as quick as he can and makes a dash for the front door. 

“Oh Kev?” He hears from behind him. He turns, steaming from the unwelcome nick-name. “Your bag.” Connor says with an evil smile, holding Kevin’s book bag out in front of him. Kevin stood there looking at him for a second. Connor made no attempts to move from his spot next to the car, instead standing and staring, watching Kevin and sneaking glances at his body. Kevin groaned and walked over, cursing himself for wearing tight fitting clothes today and snatched the bag roughly from Connor’s hand. Connor laughed and Kevin muttered an unapologetic thanks under his breath. 

He walked quickly to his room and locked the door. No Connor tonight. It’s Friday. He could be here for hours. Kevin made a depressing noise and flopped on his bed. 

“Dear God, if you love me you will smite Connor McKinley, Amen.” He prayed. That didn’t make him feel any better however because he almost immediately followed up with, “ok, I’m kidding please don’t kill him, Amen...” Kevin stared at his wall for a moment and then decided to play some video games and drown out the world. 

As he was setting up his console his phone buzzed. 

‘Cn i com ovr??’ 

Arnold. Kevin laughed at the texts horrible grammar, and typed out a reply.

‘Ya man of course! I’m setting up the XBox right now.’ 

Kevin put his phone down, and got out some games that he knew Arnold loved to play. Mario Kart definitely, Call of Duty scared Arnold so he put that one back, so did FIFA Cup and a few other sports games. Kevin dug around his box of games until he found Lego Star Wars, he personally didn’t like it and only owned it because he received it as a gift from his aunt in the 9th grade, but Arnold went crazy for it, so he played it anyway. 

Kevin preset the games and sat on his floor waiting for Arnold to text that he was here. After a few minutes of him mindless staring at his ceiling, his phone buzzed.

‘here’ 

Kevin jumped up, the excitement getting the best of him. He ran to the front door, past Kayla and Connor lounging in the living room. Connor gave him a strange look and watched him as he opened the door, ignoring something Kayla was saying. Arnold stood at the door holding a bag with snacks, this usually meant he was going to spend the night. Kevin felt his heart race as his excitement bubbled up and he hugged Arnold tightly, laughing with his friend. 

Kevin and Arnold have been best friends since they were children. In the fourth grade Kevin didn’t really have any close friends because he didn’t enjoy getting dirty outside during recess, but Arnold transferred to the school one day and he was allergic to a lot of things outside, especially pollen, so Kevin volunteered to stay inside with him. Arnold was very chubby and he wore glasses to big for his face and his hair was always crazy, unlike Kevin who was a little skinny and always had a nice hair cut. He thought Arnold dressed funny and Arnold thought Kevin dressed boring. Arnold showed him his Pokémon cards and taught Kevin how to play, and the rest is history.

“Come on let’s go!” Kevin said, his giddy attitude contrasting his normally relaxed exterior. Arnold ran through the house with Kevin to his room and plopped down on the floor next to him. He put down his bag of snacks in front of them and they played Lego Star Wars. 

Kevin didn’t know why, but it just seemed like everything was better with Arnold. His mood, his games, everything. As they played they laughed and shouted and Arnold would hit Kevin to make him mess up and Kevin would laugh until he couldn’t breathe. Arnold’s knee touched Kevin’s as they sat in the floor, and he didn’t move it. Kevin felt his stomach heat up a little bit and he started to feel nervous. He tried not to pay attention to it, but Arnold would move and rub his knee and Kevin would feel it and his body started getting hot and he didn’t really understand why he couldn’t just move his knee away. Arnold laughed as they played and Kevin tried to get back in the zone but his knee was tickling and rubbing against Arnold’s and he started to feel very strange so he put the controller down.

“I’m gonna use the bathroom.” He said, quickly exiting his room. His knee was buzzing as he entered his bathroom. Kevin sat on the toilet lid and rubbed at his knee to make that feeling go away. He felt hot and bothered and gross. He felt really gross when he kept imagining Arnold touching his knee and his thigh or his neck. 

“... fuck.” Kevin whispered hanging his head in shame. Hating himself for imagining stuff like this and liking it. Kevin felt like he was using Arnold for some sick fantasy he wanted to play out, but the worst part is, he doesn’t really understand why. He’s known Arnold forever and things like this have been going on since middle school, he just wishes his brain would stop. He looked down. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He said in a panic. He had an erection. He started cussing profusely and tried to think of ways to get rid of it. He went to grab his phone from his pocket. Shit, it’s in his room. Kevin started freaking out a little bit and tried to get his breathing under control. Thoughts started racing through him like cars on an interstate and Kevin felt dizzy with confusion and self hatred. He stood up and grabbed the counter, his body hot with shame and arousal and splashed some cold water on his face. He didn’t really know when he started crying but it was definitely happening now. 

It wasn’t going away and he didn’t think it would anytime soon and Kevin couldn’t just hide it because it was starting to hurt. 

“Dear God please forgive me.” He whispered as he sat back on the toilet lid, and pulled down his pants. He began to pleasure himself, quietly. He thought about Arnold while he did it and his heart started racing and his stomach grew hot and knitted with shame but also lust. This isn’t the first time he’s thought about him during this before, but this is the riskiest time. His knee started to tingle as Kevin got faster and he reached over to turn on the sink so his noise would be drowned out. His cheeks were getting red and his hands were shaking but he was still so hard and his knee was tingling and he was thinking about Arnold touching his knee and then kissing it and he came. 

The few seconds of ecstasy didn’t make up for the absolute shame Kevin felt about what just happened. He cleaned himself up and pulled up his pants. He washed his hands and exited the bathroom. Connor was standing outside the door giving him a strange look. It wasn’t cocky, but his brows were furrowed and his arms were crossed. Kevin was panicking on the inside at the thought that Connor might have heard him. 

“You look like you’re about to pass out.” Connor said matter-of-factly. Kevin stared at him, and even though he was taller by a good few inches he still felt so small.

“Uh...” he laughed nervously. “Ya I’m fine I think I just ate something weird.” He lied. Connor raised his eyebrow questioningly. 

“Ok whatever, move I have to use the bathroom.” He said, pushing past Kevin. Kevin stood for a few seconds and let his heart rate slow down before entering his room again. Arnold was lying on his bed, texting someone and smiling at his phone. 

“Well gee what took you so long?” He asked. Kevin let out a little laugh and tried to hide the absolute blush that took over his face. 

“My stomach hurt, but I’m ok now.” He said. Arnold laughed and rolled over so he was on his stomach. He took a handful of Cheetos from the bag that was haphazardly lying at the edge of the covers and laughed at his phone again. “What are you laughing at?” Kevin asked casually, taking a seat on the floor against the wall. Arnold sat up and the Cheetos feel from the bed. Kevin moved to clean them in case they stained his carpet.

“Oops sorry.” Arnold said in response to his food. “Well, y’know that girl that just transferred here from Uganda? Nambalotion?” Arnold said. Kevin eyed him. He knows Arnold has been freaking about about her since she arrived. Kevin rolled his eyes slightly.

“Her name is Nabalungi. And ya, what about her?” He asked placing the Cheetos on his bed side table and crossing his arms. A coy smile crossed Arnold’s lips as he looked back at his buzzing phone and Kevin felt a little jealous.

“Well she got put in my math class, and she’s super smart and we became friends and she has been like, nonstop texting me since last night!” Arnold said, typing away at his phone. Kevin watched in awe. He decided he needed to get over himself even though he wanted to punch something. He needs to be happy for Arnold, he never gets a girl that wants to be with him. He is always saying how lucky Kevin is that he constantly has girls hanging off of him everywhere he goes and how he’s crazy for never following any of them up. Kevin faked the biggest happiest smile. 

“I’m so happy for you man!” He said. Arnold looked at him and his face dropped. 

“Are you upset?” He asked Kevin, who played up his smile even more, laughing.

“No of course not!” He said.

“Did you want to talk to her? I can give you her number if you liked her?” Arnold says handing Kevin his phone. Kevin backs away.

“No no no! I’m really happy she’s into you. She deserve you.” He said. She didn’t.

“So you’re not jealous?” 

“No.” Yes. Arnold smiled and Kevin felt his cheeks get warm. Arnold hugged Kevin with all his might and Kevin held a little tighter than was strictly necessary. His door opened and he pushed away from him.

Connor stood at the door, eyeing the two boys suspiciously. Kevin stood red-faced and Arnold looked very confused. 

“Your mom told me to tell you that dinner is ready.” He said to Kevin. Arnold cheered and left the room. Kevin tried to slip past Connor but he stopped him at the door-way, his hand on his chest. “That was a pretty tight hug...” he said. 

“Shut up.” Kevin muttered, throwing Connor’s hand off of him and making his way to the dining room. 

He sat next to Arnold, plate in hand. Connor sat next to him, much to his dismay, but he tried his best to ignore him. He knew Connor probably suspected something of Kevin. That or he was just evil. 

They all made small talk, and Kevin’s parents were formally introduced to Connor, who has apparently grown very close to Kayla in the past week. Kevin has his own suspicions about that. As they ate, Arnold went into a crazy story about his dog and how he dug up some weird bottle in the back yard. Kevin felt something brush his leg. He looked and there was nothing. It happened again a few moments later. 

Connor was trying to play footsies with Kevin. He kept brushing their feet and Kevin scooted his chair closer to Arnold. His dad gave him a suspicious look, Kevin moved his seat back.

“So, Connor, where do you live?” His Dad asked. He smiled a big fake smile and told him he lived just down the street. “Are you in any sports?” His Dad asked. Connor laughed a little. 

“No sir I’m not. I am in dance though, I have been in dance since I was 5, it’s pretty exhausting so I would consider that my sport.” He said. Kevin’s Mom smiled, and his dad gave a hearty laugh. The conversation was great and Kevin’s parents really seemed to enjoy Connor. So did Arnold. Kevin was the only one who could see what a snake he really was. 

The whole meal was spent sandwiched between the two boys, and Kevin wanted to throw up. At one point Kevin felt Connor’s hand slip up his thigh and he stood up and excused himself to the bathroom. 

As he walked away he heard foot steps behind him, assuming it was Arnold he didn’t pay attention. But when a small figure slipped into the bathroom with him, he groaned.

“Dude what the hell do you want!” Kevin half yelled so his parents couldn’t hear. Connor leaned against the wall, arms crossed, a shit-eating grin taking over his face. 

“You know.. I see right past your whole act...” he said. Kevin was silent with confusion. 

“What are you even talking about.” He said, this was exhausting. Connor tilted his head to the side with pity. This made Kevin aggravated.

“I see the way you act around that kid.” Connor said. “You’re like a little moody emo kid all the time and as soon as he shows up it’s like you’re a whole other person.” 

“Ya, he’s my best friend? So what?” Kevin says. 

“When he hugs you your whole face goes red, and your breathing speeds up.” Connor says. Kevin tries to say something but he can’t. “I’ve been in this same place before y’know?” Connor says with a raised eyebrow. 

“Ya well the difference between you and me is that I’m not a fag.” Kevin says and opens the door, storming out of the bathroom. 

He does feel bad for using that word but he crossed a line. Kevin cleans up his plate and goes back to his room. Connor eyes him as he walks by, a small smile on his lips. Kevin ignores him. He doesn’t know anything. 

The rest of the night Kevin buried his feelings in ice cream and sci-fi movies with Arnold on the floor of his bed room as he texts Nabalungi and Kevin tries his best not to feel. 

-

Ever since that night Connor has pursued Kevin even more and it’s still just as annoying. He would give Kevin little smirks whenever he saw him with Arnold, and he would flirt with Kevin’s friends right in front of him, even though they were hopelessly straight. 

He made Kevin question everything. 

Forever Kevin knew he didn’t like girls, but he always thought that one day it would just sort of happen, and this phase with Arnold would just go away. But it never did, and now Kevin is starting to realize that maybe he just doesn’t like girls period. It’s such a disappointment, he thinks. 

“I’ve been in the same place before y’know” keeps replaying over and over in his head. Connor standing in his bathroom with that horribly gay scarf and his know-it-all face. He thinks about Connor and what he was like before he came out. Was he like Kevin? Or was he always the same? Kevin doesn’t know how he feels about him. He is definitely annoying, but he may be the only other person Kevin can talk to about things like this. 

The bell rang for 6th period, that was Kevin’s gym class. He uses the school gym to work out everyday. As he changed into his work out clothes he notices a very familiar red head begin to unlock a locker a few feet from him. 

“Jesus Christ...” he murmurs, quickly trying to change and not be noticed. Before he can get his shirt on, Connor sees him. 

“Kevin?” He says. “Geez they weren’t kidding when they said you were good looking.” Shamelessly checking out Kevin’s body. Even though he knows he is very attractive, he still gets self conscious. Kevin realized how hot he was in the 10th grade when seven different girls asked him to homecoming. His skin is clear and tan, and his hair is always neat and cut, and his is in very good shape from working out and being generally healthy. He slips his shirt on quickly. Connor chuckles.

“When did you get put in this class?” He asks rudely. 

“Today. I finished Economy online so they put me in here. Lord knows why...” he said taking off his shirt. Connor had a nice body, Kevin noticed. He was pale and had freckles trailing down his back, and he was slim and fit from dancing. Kevin stared at his torso, and where his pants hung to his skin on his lower back. Connor noticed and smiled. “Like what you see big boy?” He said with a wink. Kevin felt his face go red and he turned away with a frown. They continued to change in silence, which was weird because Kevin is so used to Connor’s constant bugging. 

The rest of the period was spent with Kevin working out and Connor shamelessly watching and flirting with him. Groping his arm when he would put a weight down, or slapping his butt when the other guys weren’t looking. 

“Can you stop?!” Kevin said seriously. “It’s not funny I don’t like you like that ok?” He got in Connor’s face, who threw his hands up and said nothing, that ever-present smirk playing on his lips.

“No need to cry.” Connor muttered and sat on a weight bench playing on his phone. Kevin finished his workout and went to change. The locker room empty because he had finished so early. 

Connor walked in. Of course.

“I know your type.” He said. Kevin rolled his eyes.

“What type?” He said, taking his shirt off. 

“You’re that kind of gay guy who pretends to be so straight so that no one will catch on..” he said. Kevin paused. He didn’t say anything so Connor continued. “Well... I caught on.” He said. Without changing his pants Kevin threw on his shirt and left the gym. “My parents aren’t home and i’m having a party tonight, I think you should come.” He heard Connor yell.

-

At Arnold’s house Kevin is treated like a God. Arnold’s parents still don’t understand why someone like Kevin wants to be such good friends with their son. Kevin thinks that’s a little dramatic. As they watched some old documentary about the making of Jurassic Park Kevin contemplated telling Arnold about Connor, but the door bell rang. Arnold hopped up from the couch excitedly. Kevin watched in confusion, they never ordered pizza. As Arnold opened the door, that girl Nabalungi gave him the biggest brightest smile. 

They hugged and didn’t let go for a few seconds. Kevin watched, trying not to feel outwardly jealous. He looked away when Arnold turned around but continued staring at her. His eyes practically turning to two huge hearts and beating out of his brain. Kevin watched her sit on the couch with him and grope his arms and smile and laugh. They were practically entranced in each other, and Kevin definitely wasn’t used to having someone else fawning over Arnold. He felt... he felt threatened.

“Kev this is Naba!” He said. She smiled at him and said hello. He nodded at her. “He’s shy.” Arnold said. Kevin blushed when he saw Arnold wrap his arm around her torso and hold her close on the couch as he pressed play on the movie. He sat in silence, listening to them giggle and whisper back and fourth to each other. Kevin realized his brows were deeply furrowed.

Is this how Connor knew how he felt about Arnold? Is this how Kevin acted when he was with him? Like some love sick puppy who was desperately trying to get attention from someone who already had it. Kevin felt sick. He wanted to yell at her to get off of him, and leave him alone because he shouldn’t have to share his best friend.

“Where is your bathroom?” She asked. Arnold pointed her in the direction of the toilet. “Thank you.” She said with a smile and blush and daintily walked out of the room. Arnold sank into the couch with a smile. 

“She’s great isn’t she?” He said. Kevin gave a curt nod and a short smile. “I mean, I think she really likes me! She’s always laughing at my jokes and messing with my hair! I don’t know what do you think.” Kevin stared at him. He looked so happy, and that made Kevin feel a little guilty. 

“Ya... I think you have a good chance buddy.” He said. Arnold smiled so big his laugh lines showed. Kevin felt his chest sink. “Uh... I think I should probably get going.” He said getting up from the couch. Arnold looked confused all of the sudden. 

“Why?” He said sitting up.

“Well uh, my sister needed help with some thing for drama and I was gonna go.. help.” He said hoping Arnold would buy his lie. 

“Well you have to go now?” He said. Kevin laughed and awkwardly rubbed his neck. 

“Uh ya, she’s been texting me all night. See ya buddy, I hope it works out.” He said and quickly exited the house. He went to his car and drove to his house, wiping at the stupid tears welling up in his eyes. God, this is annoying. He’s acting like a 12 year old girl. As he pulled up at a stop light he remembered Connor was having a party, and he doesn’t know why he whipped out his phone and texted his sister for the address, or what possessed him to make the drive to his house and go in, but he did. 

Connor’s house was big. He had a nice lawn and a pool in the back. Kids from school, drama mostly, wet scattered throughout his house, most of them drunk or high, some of them making out. Kevin wondered where Connor’s parents were. He made his way through the house, getting looks from party goers every now and then. 

Connor was leaned up against a wall, draped over some guy Kevin had never seen before. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, but a see through robe and some short shorts, and as ridiculous as it sounds he looked very attractive. He saw Kevin and made eye contact with him. He kissed that guy, hard and raunchy with his mouth, playing with his shirt and pulling him closer. Kevin watched with a blank expression, something deep inside of him telling him to go punch that guy in the face. He walked to the kitchen and grabbed a drink. He saw his sister talking with some of her friends, she waved to him and he waved back, then made his way outside where kids were jumping in the pool and splashing around. Kevin rolled up his jeans and sat on the edge, dipping his legs in the water. He noticed a few girls here, and all of them seemed to notice him as well, since every two minutes he was being given a beer by a random girl coming and sitting next to him. His disinterest must have been apparent however, because they all ended up somewhere else. 

The next girl who came to him wasn’t a girl at all. It was Connor. His hair was messed up, probably from that guy, and his cheeks were flushed from the alcohol and Kevin would have to drown himself before he admitted that Connor looked hot right now. He took a sip of his beer as Connor dipped his slender legs in the water. They glowed from the pool light. 

“So... what made you come?” He said, eyeing Kevin with a smile. Kevin looked at him, and for a second he could see why so many people enjoyed spending time with him. He took another sip.

“Arnold has a girlfriend.” He said. They made eye contact. Connor’s eyes went a little wide, and he tried to cover up a laugh. 

“Oh... wasn’t expecting that.” He said. 

“Ya, me neither I guess.” Kevin said. 

“So you admit you’re like... in love with him or whatever.” He said. 

“I don’t know if I would say love.” Kevin said, turning and looking at Connor. He had blue eyes, like the water. They were big and bright. He laughed, and propped his elbow on Kevin’s shoulder.

“Oh yeah big guy, what would you say?” He asked. He was slowly leaning in, playing footsies with Kevin under the water, who played back, rubbing their feet together slowly. Kevin laughed. He didn’t know why but right now he felt really good, and Connor was really attractive even though he would never let him know, and the water was cool on his legs and Connor was warm on his shoulder, and he smelled so good, like alcohol and peppermint and it was kinda sexy. 

“I don’t really know... I guess he’s the only guy..” Connor was staring at his eyes as he inched closer “I’ve ever... liked.” He said. Kevin was staring at Connor’s lips which were pink and wet and open. He wanted to bite them. Connor smirked at him. 

“My eyes are up here Moody.” He whispered. Kevin snapped his gaze back to his eyes, and Connor smiled, and stood up. Kevin felt cold and like he had a hard-on. He looked down, he didn’t. Connor sauntered back into the house, his long legs entrancing Kevin, who was a little too drunk for his own good right now. He stood up and walked into the house, finding his sister who was very sober, talking with Connor. “I think you should take him home.” He said. Kayla looked at him. 

“Oh ya. You’re super drunk Kev.” She said. Kevin stood there flushed, Connor smiled at him and Kevin wanted to touch his stomach. He didn’t, but he did falter a little bit. Kayla walked him to the car. He sat in the passenger seat. Connor opened his door and slipped something in his pocket. 

“Good night Moody.” He whispered. Kevin watched him walk to the door. They drove off and Kevin went to sleep in his bed with his clothes on and no blanket. 

-

His head hurt so much. His brain had a heart beat and the light from the window was stabbing his eyes and he refused to open them. He stayed in bed until the taste in his mouth drove him to the bathroom. 

When Kevin looked in the mirror he saw messed up hair and clothes from the previous night, bags under his eyes and no recollection of what happened after he showed up at that party. He sighed and splashed water on his face hoping to wake him up a little bit. He heard something crinkle in his shirt pocket. He took out a little piece of paper. 

“Next time you want to pity kiss me, just ask ~ Connor” it said, followed by a phone number. Kevin stared at it for a minute and then, not being able to remember if he kissed Connor, started hyperventilating. 

“Shit.” He said staring at the paper in his hands. “Shit shit shit.” He kept murmuring. He ran back to his bed room, head still pounding, and hid the paper under his pillow, afraid someone would find it and question him. His hands were shaking and he watched the pillow intently, expecting the paper to crawl out from underneath it and start screaming at him. After a few minutes of nothing, Kevin began to calm down. He closed his eyes.

“Why are you so stupid?..” he whispered to himself, rubbing his eyes. “You are the most...” he trailed off. He looked back at the pillow. Maybe. But not now.

Kevin checked his phone. 

‘We kissed!’

Said the text message, and Kevin had a little heart attack until he realized who had sent it. Arnold. Kevin stared at the message. He and Nabalungi kissed. They are a couple now probably. And Kevin is standing in his room hiding from a pillow. 

‘I’m so happy for you buddy!’

He typed back. Lies. Kevin was good at lying. He just felt so pathetic, he didn’t know what to do. Usually when he feels sad he talks to Arnold, but it’s not like he can just go to Arnold now. It’s probably for the best. Now Kevin can get over his little infatuation and move on. Maybe he can find a nice girl who like him and likes to be with him. Or maybe this was his only chance and he fucked everything up and he will be lonely the rest of his life. 

He decided that if he’s going to be lonely, he might as well have some cereal to cope. His sister was at the dining room table, sitting in her pj’s. She smiled at him and raised her eyebrows when he sat down. She looked like she was trying not to laugh.

“You’re up early.” She said. Kevin grunted in response. “How’s the hangover?” She asked. Kevin glared at her, and she chuckled. “So... you and Connor were pretty close last night?” She said, pointedly not making eye contact with him. He stopped chewing.

“I don’t want to talk about that.” He said. “I was really drunk and he was coming on to me.” She pulled a face. 

“... ok.” She said. Kevin stared at her.

“What?” He asked. She shrugged.

“Nothing.” 

“No you obviously have something you want to say so say it.” He said. She looked at him, her face was a rare mixture of confusion and pity, unlike her usual cockiness. 

“Kevin are you?...” She begins and looks at him, trying to build her courage. “Do you like guys?” She asked quietly. He stared at her, and then back down to his Frosted Flakes. He shrugged.

“I don’t know...” he murmured. 

“The only reason I ask is because when girls come up to you, you just seem so bored, but last night you and Connor were getting pretty close, and I just don’t want you to lead him on if you’re not interested y’know?” She said. That was confusing.

“So you don’t want me to hurt him?” He asked in awe. He never imagined he’d be having this conversation but he definitely didn’t imagine it going like this. “You don’t care?.. at all?”

“About you being gay?” She asked. Kevin flinched at the word, his heart rate picking up slightly. “Kevin I don’t care.” She said. “As long as you aren’t hurting my friends and you’re happy, I don’t care.” Kevin didn’t know what to say, and he felt choked up, like if he were to talk right now his pent up tension would all come spilling from his eyes. 

“.... please don’t tell mom and dad...” he said quietly. She looked at him sadly.

“I promise.” 

-

“It’s Saturday night and you have nothing to do, just come hang out with us!” Kayla pleaded. Kevin laid in his bed, painfully aware of the note hidden under his pillow. 

“I don’t know... they’re your friends, I really only know Connor, but he’s so annoying y’know?” Kevin said. She laughed and then begged some more. “Ugh, fine.” He said, getting up and putting on his shoes. 

“We’re going to the movies.” She said “so bring money.” Kevin rolled his eyes.

They drove to Connor’s house to pick him up, and to a few other peoples houses. They all made small talk, and Connor kept watching Kevin from the back seat and Kevin felt his eyes burning his skin. 

At the movies Connor would always end up standing next to Kevin, and he sat next to Kevin, and played footsies with him. At first Kevin was uncomfortable, but he began to play along because, if you can beat em join em right? Turns out Connor is a senior as well, and he is a few months older than Kevin. Tonight Connor was wearing just a t-shirt and jeans, the simplest outfit Kevin has ever seen him in, and he thought he looked nice. This was weird for Kevin... to just... let himself think another boy looks nice. It’s strange how freakishly easy it is. 

The movie was alright, Connor definitely had a lot to say about the acting, but Kevin was ready to go home and sleep for 13 hours. They pulled up to Connor’s house, and he got out from the back seat. Kayla hit Kevin’s arm. He looked at her.

“Go walk him to his door.” She whispered.

“No.” He said back.

“C’mon, just do it don’t be a pussy.” She said. Kevin fucks a lot of things up, and maybe his biggest mistake of the night was opening his car door and walking Connor across his big front lawn. 

“Thanks for driving us Moody.” Connor said. This nick name made Kevin laugh. 

“No problem.” He said, awkwardly putting his hands in his pockets. Connor looked around, stepping closer to him. He was avoiding eye contact with Kevin, who was not used to this weird shy side of Connor. He didn’t like it all that much. 

“Did you get my note?” He whispered with that familiar smirk, still avoiding his gaze. Kevin blushed. 

“... ya.” He said. Connor brought up his hand and traced Kevin’s arm. 

“You should follow those instructions.” He said. Kevin chuckled.

“Oh ya?” He asked, Connor laughed as well, finally looking him in the eyes. 

“Oh ya, I’m a super fun guy.” He said stepping closer. Kevin felt something pulling him in. He wasn’t ready to do that. He just figured out there might be more than unrequited friendship love, Lord knows he’s not ready for Connor McKinley. 

“I have to go.” Kevin whispered. Connor was entranced by Kevin’s lips, his eyes staring them down and his own lips parting. Kevin felt the sudden urge to push him up against his front door and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t. Because he’s Kevin Price, and he’s just a pussy that fucks things up. He backed away from Connor and his lips. “Good night.” 

Connor smirked. “Goodnight Moody.”

-

A week went by before Kevin dug up that note. A week full of silent glances and small touches and smirks and Kevin wasn’t really sure when he and Connor started actually becoming close. The little things Connor does that used to make Kevin want to punch him, now make him laugh. Kevin sees him walking and it makes him feel confused and anxious but also happy. Genuinely happy to see a friend, after being with only one friend for so long. Change is scary, but Kevin thinks this change might be for the better. Besides, Kevin still has Arnold, it’s not like that went away, but he has a girlfriend now so that’s less time to be with Kevin. And for once, Kevin doesn’t mind that much. Which is scary.

He lifts the pillow cautiously. The note is smooshed and crinkled but still legible. Kevin types in the numbers, and sends a text. 

‘Hey, it’s Kevin.’

The text is read almost immediately.

‘;) hey moody’

Comes the reply. Kevin laughs at his phone. 

‘What are you doing rn?’ 

He texts.

‘Depends on what u wanna do’

That was forward. That was flirting. Right? This is what flirting is, not secretly jacking off in your bathroom to your best friend, but out-right telling someone you want them. Or alluding to it anyway. Kevin thought about a few months ago, if Connor had texted him he would’ve thrown his phone away. Now they are having a full conversation and using emojis and talking. Kevin realized the smile that was on his face as he typed into his phone. He decided to be bold.

‘Do you wanna meet up?’

He texts. His stomach tightens. Is he nervous? Kevin is never nervous about anything. It seems like it’s taking years for those three little dots to go away and he might start sweating.

‘Ya.’

Comes the reply. Kevin stared at it. Ya. That’s such a simple word but somehow it felt like it was an entire novel in one text. Kevin took a breath. 

He walked out of his bedroom to where his mother was in the kitchen. 

“Hey mom, I’m gonna go pick up one of my friends and we’re gonna hang out. Probably catch a movie or something.” He said, trying to sound as casual as possible about his non-date maybe date with Connor. His mom continued to mix a bowl of flour.

“Arnold?” She asked. Kevin opened his mouth, and then closed it, and then opened it again.

“Uh... no actually...” he said, rubbing his neck. “It’s um... Connor.” His Mom looked up at him.

“Connor?” She asked. “Kayla’s friend?” She has this weird look on her face that Kevin had never really seen before. Like she’s caught him cheating on a very easy test.

“Ya! Uh, we’re just gonna... y’know? Hang out for a little while.” He said. Are his hands shaking. He put his hands in his pockets. 

“... ok.” She said, and continued mixing her bowl. “Will you be home for dinner? He can eat with us if he wants.” Kevin was very happy this conversation was ending.

“We’ll probably end up getting dinner while we’re out, it’s alright.” He said.

“Ok baby, be safe keep me updated.” She said. 

“Will do, love you.” He said quickly, turning and making a Bee-line for the front door. He doesn’t really understand why he is so nervous. Sure tonight might be something more than just hanging out but he doesn’t know that for sure. Connor has been with a million guys, and Kevin has only ever fantasized about one. Maybe this is just another notch in Connor’s big gay belt. But for Kevin.... he doesn’t know, maybe this is the first time he picks his belt up out of his locked drawer and puts it on to see how it fits. 

‘I’m here’ he texts. A few agonizing moments later he sees a familiar red head appear from his front door. Connor seems to be talking to somebody inside but Kevin can’t see who. He comes out. He looks... different somehow. Like, sad or something. Kevin notices a woman standing at the door staring at him. She looks a lot like Connor. Red hair, skinny body. She was holding a baby. She looked... she looked stressed and sad and at Kevin like she didn’t trust him. Kevin looked at her and felt uncomfortable. Connor was walking fast to his car. He gave a small smile to Kevin as he walked around and opened the door. When he sat in the seat, he didn’t look at him, just at the road.

“Is that your mom?” Kevin asked. 

“Ya.” Connor said. “Can we go?” He asked, still not looking at Kevin.

“Should I go say hi?” Connor looked at him and he looked scared. It made Kevin nervous.

“No, no please can we just go?” He asked. His eyes were big and he kept eye contact with Kevin and Kevin didn’t really know what to do. 

“Uh... ya, ok.” He started the car and drove off. Connor began to relax, and sat back in his seat. That was so strange. He has never seen Connor not visibly relaxed and confident. “What do you want to do?” Kevin asked.

“I’m down for anything.” Connor said and winked at Kevin. There he is. Kevin rolled his eyes. 

“How about,” he checked the clock. “It’s 5:30 now, we can go get some dinner and then we can go to the lake?” Kevin said. Connor made a noise.

“The lake? To like... what? Swim?” He said. Kevin laughed.

“No idiot.” He said. “Sometimes I like to go there and just... y’know, sit and look at the stars and stuff.” Connor stared at him. “It’s relaxing.” 

“.... that’s the gayest thing I have ever heard of, and I once hooked up with a guy at a pride parade.” Connor said staring at Kevin with a raised eye brow. Kevin laughed really loud, even though that bruised his ego a little bit. 

“Stop.. it’s nice there!” Kevin said with a smile. Connor laughed back at him and brought his knees to his chest. 

“Salt lake?” He asked. “It’s so gross there! It’s cold and like?.. salty...” he said. 

“You’re salty.” Kevin said. Connor hit his arm with surprising strength. “Ow!” He exclaimed. “That actually hurt!”

“No, you’re just a pussy.” Connor said with a smile. Kevin looked at him and couldn’t help but smile as well. 

“You’re not wrong.” He said. Connor laughed. 

“I never am.” He said. Connor looked a little different today. He wasn’t dressed up like he usually is. He was dressed in a button up shirt and jeans. Very plain. He seemed a little off as well. He was joking around, but not the way he usually does. It’s like he was keeping his distance, and it made Kevin feel self-conscious. 

“Hey... are you ok?” He asked. Connor shrugged and looked out the window. “Did something happen?” Kevin asked. 

“We barely know each other.” Connor said. Kevin glanced over at him. “A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.” He was smirking again, but somehow it seemed tired. 

They ate dinner at some shitty restaurant, and spent way too much money, and avoided eye contact. Well, Kevin did at least. He was a little bit embarrassed to be hanging out with Connor alone, flirty, loud, vibrant Connor who did everything in his power to make Kevin blush. And he did. A lot. They drove half an hour to the Great Salt Lake, and Kevin got to hear Connor complain the whole time. 

He realized that when Connor is happy he does this thing where he sticks the tip of his tongue in between his teeth when he smiles. And when he is annoyed he rolls his eyes. And when he is flirting he likes to touch your arm. 

There was a lot of arm touching going on in Kevin’s car. 

“We’re here!” Kevin said with a big smile at Connor.

“Thank God.” He responded in his best monotone. 

“Oh c’mon ya sad sack.” Kevin said, hitting his shoulder. 

“I’m going to report you for assault.” Connor said as he unbuckled himself from the car. Kevin ran around to the other side and opened the door for him. “My knight in shining plaid.” Connor said, taking Kevin’s outstretched hand. Connor’s hands were soft and surprisingly big, and Kevin stared at them for a second too long before letting go. Connor flashed him a little smirk and Kevin blushed. 

It was dark out and the lake was cool, and the moon was shining down on them and the water. Usually there are a lot of people around but tonight they seemed to be the only ones. Kevin pointed at a spot around the shore that was grassy enough to lounge. Connor cringed at the fact they had to sit on the ground and Kevin told him to man up. 

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Kevin said, looking up at the sky. There were so many stars and he felt so small looking at all of them. Connor was looking too, but he was watching the water. 

“... ya.” He whispered. Kevin laid back on the grass. “What are you doing?” Connor asked.

“Laying down?” Kevin said nonchalantly. Connor rolled his eyes, and laid down next to him. For a long time they both stayed silent, letting the sounds of the water and the twinkling stars fill their conversation with nothing and everything. Kevin turned his head and found Connor staring up at the sky. He practically glowed in the moon light. His features were soft and light and he looked so inviting just laying there saying nothing. Kevin wondered what he was thinking about. Connor turned his head. They stared. 

His eyes were big and blue and frightened and Kevin scooted closer to him. Connor looked away when Kevin was too close. Kevin didn’t, he kept staring at him.

“You’re kinda creepy you know that?” Connor whispered with a small laugh. Kevin chuckled. He felt something brush his hand. Connor’s finger looped around his, almost as if it was asking permission to hold his hand. Kevin felt his chest start to heat up slightly. He slipped his hand into Connor’s slowly, as if he was scared he would have an outburst and run away. Connor still wasn’t looking at him. He was watching the sky and his face looked terrified. His breathing was a little erratic and Kevin pressed his hand tighter. Connor closed his eyes. “... I’ve never had a boyfriend before.” He said. Kevin watched him carefully.

“... me neither.” He said. Connor turned to look at him and their faces were so close. Kevin could feel Connor’s breath hitting his lip, and it made his heart race. 

“... are you?..” He asked quietly, his eyes flicking down to Kevin’s lips, his hand never losing its grip on his. Kevin was shamelessly watching Connor’s mouth form words and speak and he had to remind himself to pay attention.

“... I don’t know.” He said. “I think so.” Connor didn’t respond. Their noses touched and Kevin’s hand started to shake a little bit. “... I’ve never been kissed.” He whispered, feeling embarrassed for himself. Connor looked him in the eyes. 

“Mr. Moody...” he whispered. So close to his mouth. Kevin’s stomach was clenched and his hands were sweaty and the night was cool and Connor was overpowering him and everything seemed to be in Connor’s hands. His whole life and his thoughts and if Connor would just kiss him already that would be great. “... I think you should take me home now...” Connor whispered, looking Kevin in the eyes. Kevin stared at him. “It’s getting late.” He said again, putting distance between them and quickly letting go of Kevin’s hand. He got up and stared walking away, back to the car.

Kevin laid there for a few minutes. The stars were still there, the grass was still itchy, and the water was still lapping but Connor wasn’t holding his hand. And Kevin felt ashamed. 

The drive home was awkward, neither boy knowing what to say to each other. When they pulled up to Connor’s house, a man was standing outside the door. He was big and bulky, and wore a veterans cap. Kevin assumed this was Connor’s father. He stared at Kevin’s car.

“Sorry.” Is all Connor said as he opened the door and got out, quickly walking up to his house. The man opened the door for him and Connor seemed to shrink as he maneuvered around him. He looked at Kevin, then disappeared into his house. Kevin sat for a few moments taking it all in. His hand felt tingly, and when he thought of Connor’s nose brushing his, his heart sped up a little. 

That night Kevin dreamed of Connor kissing him by the Great Salt Lake, and taking off his clothes and breathing on him and letting Kevin bite him and do unspeakable things to him as he listened to the noises Connor made, and when Kevin woke up he realized just how sexually frustrated he really was.

-

Kevin was walking to gym class when he noticed Connor standing in the hallway behind some corner with another guy. Kevin didn’t recognize him. Connor was stroking his arm and kissing him and the guy was all over him up against the wall. Kevin felt his face get hot and he had a very sudden urge to punch something. Connor noticed him. He didn’t smile, he didn’t wink or anything. He just kind of looked, and then went back to kissing that guy. Kevin scoffed, and walked to class. 

He ignored Connor all day. And the next day. And the day after that. Finally Connor got sick of it. When Kevin was walking to his car on Friday, Connor caught up with him and stood in front of his door.

“Move please.” He said. Connor stared at him, arms crossed. 

“Why are you ignoring me?” He asked. Today he was wearing a tight shirt and joggers and Kevin cursed himself for thinking he looked really good. 

“I think you know why. Please move.” Kevin said, trying to reach for his door handle. Connor grabbed his hand and wrapped it around his waist, pulling himself into Kevin. Kevin halted for a second. Connor was staring at him with those big blue eyes. 

“Stop ignoring me.” He said lowly. His face was dark and Kevin was a little bit turned on by that. He didn’t respond. Connor leaned in a little bit and Kevin moved his head even though his entire body was telling him not to. Connor rolled his eyes, and walked away from him. Kevin stared at him, and reminded himself to breathe as he got in his car. 

“Fuck you...” He said quietly, imagining Connor pressing himself up to him again. His cheeks were hot. 

-

Connor invited Kevin to his dance class. Kevin was still mad at him, but Connor stops at nothing to get what he wants so Kevin went. 

Connor is the only boy in his dance class and he was wearing very tight leggings and a very tight shirt. And while he was covered in basically half naked girls the whole time, Kevin couldn’t help but stare at Connor’s butt. He was a very good dancer, and very flexible... 

Kevin watched Connor sweat as he stretched down into a split and he excused himself to go to the bathroom. 

On the drive home, Connor was talking about some of the girls in the class and how he’s known them for practically his entire life. 

“They’re all really cool.” He said. Kevin nodded. Connor looked over to him. “What’s wrong Mr. Moody?” He said, stroking Kevin’s elbow. 

“Nothing.” Kevin lied. Connor rolled his eyes. 

“It’s obviously not nothing. You haven’t said a word the whole drive.” 

“Can you please stop?” Kevin said. 

“Stop what?” Connor asked, offended.

“Whatever you’re doing? All this like?.. flirting with me even though you don’t want to be with me, and inviting me to you’re class and pretending you weren’t showing off the whole time and getting me to open up to you and then just like, blowing me off.” He said, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at the road. “It’s confusing.” He added. 

“Well it’s not like you haven’t been doing the same thing!” Connor said defensively. 

“Ya the only difference is, when I get scared I might have actual feelings for someone I don’t go blow it on some random asshole in the hallway.” Kevin yelled.

“Oh is that what this is about? Derik?” Connor asked. 

“I don’t even know who that is! I don’t even know if you really like me or you just wanna have sex with me!” 

“Well do you wanna have sex with me?” He asked.

Kevin parked outside Connor’s house. “Connor, that’s not what this is about. Ok? I’ve never been with anyone. Period. I’ve only ever liked one person and they didn’t like me back.” Connor looked aggravated. “I don’t want to just have sex with someone and have it mean nothing.”

“That’s not what I’m say-“

“That is what you’re saying!” Kevin yelled. He was getting very heated. “You are with so many different people and you don’t care about any of them, all you care about is getting off!” 

“That’s not true!”

“Yes it is!” Kevin stared at him and Connor looked like he was about to cry. His face was beet red and he kept blinking back tears. 

“Fuck you.” He said. 

“No fuck you.” Kevin hissed. Connor started crying and Kevin immediately regretted everything he just said. “Wait... wait Connor I didn’t mean that.” He said, reaching over to stroke Connor’s shoulder, who retracted from his touch, tears flowing steadily down his face. He shook his head no and got out of Kevin’s car. Kevin opened his door and walked after Connor, grabbing his shoulder and turning him around. 

“Kevin stop.” He choked out, trying to wipe his tears away and push Kevin back at the same time. 

“No, no I didn’t mean that I was just mad.” He said.

“You obviously meant it if you said it.” He said, avoiding eye contact with Kevin. He watched Connor carefully. His face was read and his eyes were puffy. He looked beautiful and Kevin felt like an asshole. “Just go away. I’ll leave you alone now since that’s obviously what you want.” Connor said, walking away to his front door. Kevin stood there and watched him go. He didn’t really know what to do, so he went to his car and drive home.

Kevin didn’t dream at all that night. How can you dream when you can’t really sleep. 

Arnold hasn’t talked to him since he and Nabalungi got together, and when he does talk to him it’s always about her. Kevin isn’t even jealous anymore, he’s just bored. But Kevin hasn’t talked to Arnold much since he started hanging out with Connor.

Graduation is in a few weeks, he thinks. Who knew he would be ending his senior year alone. No Arnold. No Connor. No point. After high school he would move out and go to college and probably never see Connor again. Kevin felt pathetic. He always feels pathetic. All he can see in his head is Connor crying and pushing him away and makes him feel even worse. Like a big black hole is digging through his stomach and making everything sticky. He grabs his phone. 

‘I’m sorry.’

Read. No reply.

That went on for weeks. Kevin sending strings of ‘sorry’s and ‘please respond’s. At school he tried to get Connor alone but he always seemed to be the first one in the locker room and the first one out. He would pull up outside Connor’s house and wait. He waited at the dance studio, and school he waited everywhere. 

Kevin knows this is creepy and probably uncalled for but he needs to have some closure. 

It never happens. 

Connor eludes him. For an entire month he doesn’t have a single talk with him. Kevin watched as Arnold and Naba got closer, and he hung out with them more because he didn’t have anyone else, and they were always accepting of him and even though he resented her he was still happy for them, because Arnold is his best friend and Kevin still has nothing but love for him. 

Friendly love, he reminds himself. 

They graduated, Kevin got accepted into one of the finest colleges in the state because of his academics and extracurricular’s, he has dreams of Connor undoing his clothes almost every night, and each night they just get dirtier. But the worst part is that each night they also get more realistic. Last night he dreamed of Connor coming over and watching a movie with him. His hand kept traveling up his thigh and he would kiss Kevin and touch him and tell him he loved him and then stick his hand down his pants. Kevin always woke up sweaty and sometimes sticky. He was getting tired.

He went to see the schools musical at the end of the year. He heard Connor sing. He had a lovely voice. 

Connor had a solo in this show. It was about heart break. Kevin cried. 

He left flowers for him. He gave them to his sister to give to him. He also gave him a card. It had a lot of stuff written in it. 

When he went home he texted Connor again.

‘You were amazing.’ 

Read. Three bubbles popped up. Kevin’s heart skipped several beats.

‘Thanks.’ Was the response. Kevin jumped at the chance.

‘What are you doing right now?’ He typed. 

‘Kev im home. I can’t go out this late.’

‘C’mon please?? I promise u will be ok.’ The three bubbles stayed for a long time.

‘Fine.’ Is all it said. Kevin jumped out of bed and threw on a shirt. He quietly snuck out of the house and get in his car. The seven minute drive to Connor’s house seemed like it was taking three years. 

He saw Connor standing on the side walk outside his house. Kevin pulled up. Connor was wearing a big t-shirt and shorts, obviously what he sleeps in. Kevin blushed. Connor went around and opened his door, climbing in the car with him. Kevin was so nervous he thought he was going to explode. 

He started driving. 

“Where are we going?” Connor asked, not making eye contact with him.

“To talk.” He said.

“Ok Moody, please tell me where we’re going.” Connor said. The nick name Kevin hadn’t heard in a month made his heart sing. 

“We’re going to that one peak where you can see the whole city.” He said. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Really? Kevin are you that desperate? You’re taking me to make out peak?” Connor questioned, finally turning to him. Kevin didn’t know it was called that.

“I didn’t know it was called that.”

“Likewise.” Connor said. The drive wasn’t very long, maybe only 15 minutes, but Kevin was nervous and Connor was showing a lot of leg, and there was a lot to be caught up on and a lot to admit and apparently they are going to make out point so Kevin tried his best to keep it in his pants.

He pulled up and parked around some trees. There were a few other cars here, and Kevin could only imagine what must be going on inside them, probably not talking. Connor was watching another car and he looked... nervous? Was Connor nervous right now? He kept messing with the bottom of his shirt, and staring at anything but Kevin. Kevin started to regret coming here. It was putting unnecessary pressure on them. He stopped his car. His heart was beating so hard he could practically hear it. 

“So...” He said. “I got into that school I was telling you about.” Connor nodded.

“That’s cool.” He said, still evading Kevin. “I’ll be there too I guess.” He said. 

“What?” Kevin asked. Connor shrugged.

“Ya when you were telling me about it awhile ago I looked up their Theatre program and it was really good so I applied and I got in.” He looked at Kevin. His face was unreadable. “I start in August.” Kevin was speechless. He turned toward Connor.

“Well... that’s great! Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked. Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Kev I think we both know.” He said. Kevin felt that. His heart broke a little bit. He stared at Connor, and he stared back, his expression softening when he saw how sad Kevin looked. 

“... I really am sorry.” He said. “I was just upset. You held my hand and told me stuff and you almost kissed me but then you didn’t and then you were making out with some guy and I just felt so shitty... I felt like you were just using me even though we haven’t really ever done anything.” Connor watched Kevin say this, and he slowly turned toward him. “I don’t know.. I guess I was just angry and I took it out on you and blamed you instead of just telling you how I felt.... so sorry... again.” Connor let out a small laugh.

“It really hurt me what you said.” He said quietly. 

“I know.” 

Connor stared at him. His big eyes lit up by the cars console. He looked so beautiful, his hair was a little overgrown and kept falling in his eyes, and Kevin restrained himself so he wouldn’t reach over and touch him. 

“Can I tell you a story?” He asked. Kevin nodded his head. “When I was small, probably like fifth grade, I had a best friend and his name was Steve and we went to bible camp together.” Kevin chuckled. “I know, shut up, anyways. We did everything together and he was always so nice to me and he called me his best friend and I loved spending time with him, and one day we were playing tag and he tackled me and I was kinda like?... pinned underneath him-“ he choked up a little, and wiped a few tears away. Kevin was confused. “Sorry... hold on I’m sorry.” He said wiping more tears.

“... it’s ok.” Kevin said, reaching over and placing his hand on Connor’s thigh. He kept talking into his hands, and wiping his tears.

“I was just kinda.. pines underneath him and... and he was looking at me and I just wanted to like?.. I don’t know I was so young but I kissed him because I thought that’s what you were supposed to do when you liked somebody, but he got really mad-“ he started sobbing, and Kevin leaned over to rub his back. Connor still cried into his hands. “He got mad and he- he told the pastor at our camp and then- then he told my parents.” Connor collapsed into Kevin’s arms and started sobbing harder on him. He was about Kevin’s same size, but he felt so small just crying in Kevin’s neck. He wrapped his arms around Kevin, pulling him closer and gripping his shirt. “I missed you a lot..” he whispered so quietly Kevin would have missed it if he wasn’t listening as intently as possible. He held Connor tighter.

“I missed you too.” He whispered. They stayed like that for a few minutes. Connor eventually calmed down, and was only sniffling every now and then. He sniffed up a big wad of mucus and Kevin laughed. 

“Ewe, sorry you had to hear that.” He said, his voice sounded so tired. He had his head leaned on Kevin’s shoulder and Kevin had his head leaned on Connor’s head. 

“It’s ok... what happened after your pastor told your parents?” Kevin asked. Connor sighed. 

“So basically... I don’t know my parents have always kinda known, y’know?” He said. Kevin nodded. “But when they heard that and it got like.. real, my dad kinda flipped out. He’s this big military guy and my mom kinda just caters to him and does whatever he says, so when he said I had to go to another camp that summer my mom didn’t stop him..” he said. 

“What other camp?” Kevin asked. Connor was silent for a second, and when he did talk it was quiet and he kept choking back tears. 

“Y’know.... like a... like a gay camp kinda thing?” He said. Kevin sat up and Connor slipped. 

“Your parents sent you to a conversion therapy camp?” Kevin asked. Connor looked at him and silently cried. 

“They didn’t like?..” he wiped some of his tears. “They didn’t beat me or anything, but they showed me these horrible videos and all of this weird stuff and made me memorize bible quotes and stuff and I had to have one on one meetings with my pastor until I was fifteen to prove I wasn’t having like... gay tendencies or whatever.” Connor said. Kevin watched him. Connor watched back. 

“What did you do?” Kevin asked. Connor looked at him for a second, and shrugged. 

“I pretended to not like boys I guess. Just kinda turned it off y’know?” Connor said.

“That’s horrible.” 

“Ya. But when I was a teenager they thought I would find a girlfriend, especially because I was in dance and always had girls around me... I think they thought it would change my mind or something like that. But no.” He said. “I lost my virginity after one of my counseling meetings when I was fourteen with the pastors son... he was seventeen.” Connor laughed and closed his eyes, marveling in his past. “God, that was four years ago.. that guy is a dad now, isn’t that crazy?” He asked.

“This is kinda fucked up Connor.” Kevin said. Connor brought his knees to his chest. 

“I know right?..” Kevin brought up his hand to Connor’s knee. Connor looked at it longingly. “Y’know that night you walked me to my door?” He asked. Kevin rubbed his knee. 

“Yeah.” Connor was staring at Kevin’s hand with the saddest expression.

“I really wanted to kiss you.” He whispered. He grabbed Kevin’s hand and played with his fingers. 

“... I did too.” Kevin said. Connor stared at his hand, and his eyebrows furrowed together. 

“I think you’re the first person I have ever really liked to be with... sorry I fucked it all up... sorry I’m all fucked up.” Connor said, holding Kevin’s hand. Kevin leaned over and brushed that little piece of Connor’s hair from his eye. 

“I think everybody is a little fucked up...” he said. Connor looked at him. His eyes were big and scared and Kevin was so nervous. 

“Are you going to kiss me?” He asked. 

“I want to.” Kevin said, leaning in. Connor’s breath hitched when their noses bumped. 

“I want you to.” He whispered, looking up into Kevin’s eyes for a second. 

Kevin kissed him. His lips were soft and wet and warm and this was Kevin’s first kiss and it felt weird but he also couldn’t feel his legs. He separated. Connor kept his eyes closed for a moment more. 

“Can we move to the back seat?” He asked, completely serious. Kevin was nervous. 

“Ya..” He said. He got out of the car and quickly put the back seat down so they had space to lay in his car without being too uncomfortable. Connor laughed at his nervousness. “Shut up I’ve never done this before.” Kevin said. Connor climbed in. 

“Oh shit.. that was your first kiss wasn’t it?” He asked. Kevin nodded. “So... you’ve never been kissed before now?” He asked. Something lit up in Connor when Kevin shook his head. He beckoned Kevin inside. They closed the door. “Lay down ok.” Connor said, Kevin did. “Ok... I’m going to kiss you. If I do anything that makes you uncomfortable just push me off ok?” He asked. Kevin’s hands were shaking. 

“Ok...” he whispered. Connor climbed on top of him, and rubbed his hands across Kevin’s shirt. 

“You really do have a nice body.” He said. Kevin was trying very hard not to notice the pressure on his lap from Connor, but being complemented by the boy you have been hung up over for a few months now doesn’t help. 

“You too.” He choked out. Connor chuckled. He leaned in and rested their heads together. Kevin let out a shaky breath. Connor kissed his cheek and looked in his eyes. His hand travelled down his torso. He kissed his other cheek. His hand hiked up Kevin’s shirt and felt the skin there. He kissed his nose and his mouth. Kevin found himself leaning into Connor, and when he would move his face away Kevin would try to follow it. His hand was tracing and scratching at Kevin’s abdomen which was making Kevin feel dizzy and hot. 

Connor kissed his lips. A peck. Another peck. Then he stayed for a second, he moved his lips and Kevin had to remind himself to breathe. Connor lifted his shirt off, and Kevin let him. Connor slipped his tongue in Kevin’s mouth and it swirled around his own and he was suffocated by Connor and how good he was at this. Kevin was getting hot, and Connor started moving his hips back and fourth on Kevin’s lap slowly, grinding into him. Kevin made a small noise, and Connor smiled into their kiss. He held Kevin’s cheek and kissed down his jaw and his neck. He licked and sucked and made Kevin make these noises that he didn’t know he could make. He was very aroused. 

Connor bit at his skin and Kevin would get waves of heat down his body, like someone was frying him. As he sucked on his neck, he would grind into his lap and Kevin knew he could feel how hard he was getting. Connor’s hand traveled down Kevin’s waist again, but going to his nipple and playing with it. And Kevin didn’t know this would ever be a turn on, but it definitely was and he felt so helpless and horny under Connor. Connor kissed back up to his ear.

“How far are you willing to go?” He asked. Kevin gulped. 

“...pretty far...” he whispered. Connor pressed himself to Kevin, cradling his head and kissing him so fiercely he couldn’t breathe. He rolled them over so Kevin was on top. 

“Are you willing to go all the way?” Connor asked. Kevin nodded his head. Connor wrapped his arms around Kevin’s neck and whispered, “I want you fuck me.” Kevin nearly came in his pants from that. He kissed Connor so hard, and pushed him into the ground. Connor undid his pants and helped Kevin get his off. Connor took off his own pants and Kevin was grateful for just how flexible he is, or that would’ve been much harder. 

They only wore their underwear and Connor pushed his body on Kevin’s. Kevin felt his erection and it made him feel a little egotistical for a second. He did that. He is turning someone on. He sees why Connor does this a lot, it feels very good. Connor reached down and went under Kevin’s boxers. He began to jerk him off. Kevin couldn’t really function. He always imagined what this would be like but he never really had the full idea until now. Connor kissed him and bit him and touched him. He slipped his own underwear off. 

“... hold on, you’re a little bit bigger than other guys.” He says. Kevin laughed a little, and Connor hit his shoulder. For a second Kevin was confused on what Connor was doing but then he realized. He was fingering himself. He was stretching himself out for Kevin and Kevin kissed him while he did it, and helped him also. It was a weird feeling but a very very good one.

Having sex is strange. You are literally going inside another person or letting someone go inside you in order to feel good. Kevin’s Head was swimming in Connor, drowning in Connor. He thrusted into him slowly. Connor breathed heavily and moved his hips with him once he was comfortable. Connor was tight and Kevin felt the most amazing he has ever felt. He began going a little harder. And then harder and then Connor told him to fuck him and Kevin was sort of ramming into him without holding back. It was the hottest thing he has ever experienced.

When Connor is happy he does this thing where he sticks the tip of his tongue in between his teeth when he smiles. And when he is annoyed he rolls his eyes. And when he is flirting he likes to touch your arm. And when he comes he grabs onto you and buries his head in the crook of your neck. Kevin thrusts into him more, and he comes. 

They are both out of breathe and messy and gross and sweaty. Kevin lost his virginity and had his first kiss within the same hour of each other. 

He pulled out and went to grab his clothes but Connor stopped him. 

“Wait.” He said, and pulled Kevin down next to him. “Can we just... can we just lay here... for a little bit?” Connor said. Kevin doesn’t think he has ever seen anybody so beautiful in his entire life. Connor was sweaty and pale and Kevin was head over heels. 

“Yes.” He said. They laid in his trunk for an hour before they were finally too grossed out to clean themselves up. “You’re so luck I have paper towels in her from when Kayla spilled her coffee in the front seat. 

“Can we not talk about your sister while we’re naked?” Connor asked. Kevin laughed. They got dressed and went to the front seat again. The other cars were gone. 

As Kevin backed out and drive them home they listened to the radio and he kept trying to think if he was dreaming or not. Dream Connor always had sex with him, but he never cried. This Connor was real and gorgeous and laughing at his very bad jokes and Kevin thinks he might be a little bit in love with him and this is all happening too fast. 

When they pulled up to Connor’s house, he went to grab the handle, then turned to face Kevin.

“Hey..” He said. “I want you to know, tonight wasn’t just a one time thing...” he was staring so intently at Kevin that his heart started racing. “I want to see you again.” 

“Me too.” He said. Connor kissed him. And he felt so happy as he pulled up in his own drive way and went to sleep that night. 

-

“Where did you go off to last night?” His Mom asked him at the dinner table. Kevin almost choked on his food. “You didn’t get back until one in the morning... I was worried.” 

“One of my friends needed me to help them with something so I went and it took longer than I thought.” Kevin lied. 

“Arnold?” She asked. She knew it wasn’t Arnold. Kevin didn’t respond. They had a long moment of eye contact. 

“... I’m sorry.” He said quietly. She looked at him.

“Kevin you’re eighteen you can do what you want...” She said. There was a pause. “Please be safe.” She added, not looking at him. He kind of half nodded and left the room. 

-

He and Connor were making out by the lake one night in the middle of summer. Kevin pulled away. 

“Y’know, before we were together I had a crush on Arnold.” He said. Connor laughed. 

“I did know that actually.” He said. “Sorry, but I think you picked the person who is the furthest you can get from Arnold in the entire world.” Connor laughed and Kevin kissed him. 

“That’s ok, I kinda like you.” He said. Connor laughed and stroked his hair. 

“I kinda like you too Moody.” He whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I want to make more stories it felt good to get back into writing again.


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